Title: Crossroads
Author: Mary Hugh
E-mail: maryhugh@live.com
Rating: PG for a bit of cussing
Classification: S/R - Story/Romance (MSR)
Spoilers: YES, for X-Files: I Want To Believe.
Speculation about what is being said in the
famous kissing scene. References to possible
plot spoilers from throughout the film
Keywords: MSR, angst, movie tie-in
Disclaimer: Just speculating. I do not own
anything.

Summary: What might be taking place in the X
Files:IWTB kissing scene outside the
unremarkable house. It is based on the Flynet
video. Skip this for now if you do not want to
have any idea what goes on in that scene
before seeing the movie.
_____________________________

Crossroads

By Mary Hugh


"Scully." He had hurried to the door she had
just closed firmly as she left, but now, on
the steps, he reined himself in enough to take
them with a casual evenness. He would not rush
at her like he had in the hallway of his old
apartment that time he'd poured out his heart
just before that damn bee emerged from hiding
and stung her. Now, she was on the verge of
getting behind the wheel and driving away. Her
body was angled toward the car, only her face
directed at him and watching him rather warily
as he approached. He came to a stop just over
an arm's length away. She said nothing, just
waited to hear whatever was to come out of
his mouth. 

And what would that be exactly? Inside, when
she had quietly come into his office to say
she was going now, he had just woodenly
replied, "Okay." He had nervously gotten out
of his chair and stood to the left of his
desk, clearing his throat and perhaps hoping
height would give him some nebulous advantage. Then
he'd followed up that brilliant comment with,
"Are you sure you want to do this? The case is
over. We're both in once piece -- just like we
always were in the old days when hunting
monsters was what we did. Isn't that enough?
Can't we just put this behind us?" 

She had looked at the floor, then up at him.
Her pinched, unsure expression had hardened a
trifle and her tired eyes had managed to look both
defeated and rueful. She'd shaken her head and
turned. Next thing he knew she had grabbed her
briefcase off the living room end table and
marched out the door.

His powers of persuasion needed to improve
infinitely here in the driveway. How about
this: "Scully, Father Joe told me how you
believed in his psychic powers when you needed
his help to find me. You believed -- more than
he did that he could do it. You believed he
could tell you where I was." 

She licked her lips and ducked her head
momentarily, probably feeling like a mouse in
a trap. "I had no choice. He was the only hope
I had." She shook her head again, wisps of her hair
shining in the pale sun. "But there is no
proof his visions come from God or any
supernatural origin. He has brain seizures and
visions can be initiated by those." 

"You don't want to believe, right? You think
if you do you'll have to admit from a rational
perspective that my chases after monsters and
UFOs have purpose." Somehow this just wasn't
going right.

"I'm just over living life as if it were an
endless X-File, Mulder. I --"

"You're scared shitless that I'll kill myself
on one of my crazy hunts. You're terrified
that one of these days our luck, our ability
to save each other, will run out and you can't
stand the thought of it. You would rather walk
away and hope the pain would be less if I died
pursuing the truth without you as witness."

The air seemed to breathe for both of them.
They seemed frozen for a moment. Scully didn't
need to speak. And he didn't want her to yet.
"I know exactly how you feel, Scully.
Exactly." He shifted his weight but held her
eyes relentlessly. "We spent so many years
putting our lives on the line. It took its
toll. The difference is that there is a part
of me that is driven by the need to do this.
You're not made the same way." He paused and
searched her for some nonverbal message.

Instead, she answered so quietly he almost
didn't hear her, "What is the point of
rehashing this, Mulder? Yes, we're poles apart
on this. You knew I didn't want you to
continue with this horrifying case, but you
did it anyway. And you were nearly killed! My
God, when I saw you lying there I felt like a
sledge hammer had hit me." Her eyes looked
haunted. "I think....I think a person only has
so many reserves to put out for the tragedies
of life. I think, Mulder, I've got no reserves left." 

He leaned forward enough to be able to gather
her slight figure into his arms and hold her
to him. He wanted to console her, to show her
with an embrace what he could not seem to find
words to express. She let him, but she did not
hug him back. Her passivity made his heart
sink.

When he sensed that she was about to pull
away, he let his bandaged right hand fall away
but brought his left hand up to her delicate
jaw line. That brought her eyes up again to
his. But neither of them said anything. He
could see unshed tears in her eyes and he
couldn't stop himself from leaning down and
touching foreheads with her. Then after a
moment, he kissed her lips, gently and
undemandingly. Sort of like their Millennium
kiss, except here in the cool air their lips
were more chilly, he thought. As they broke
apart, he mumbled, "The world did end, Scully.
For me, the world always ends with you. I
always wanted to take back what I said at
midnight, 2000." He cracked a slight smile,
a little self-consciously. 


She also let a sad ghost of a smile play for a
moment. His hand still held her face but as
she turned back to the car door, he slowly let
it drop down through her long reddish strands,
playing with them a bit before dropping away.
Again he almost missed what she said, "Maybe
we've been kidding ourselves. Playing house.
Hiding. Maybe it just isn't meant to be after
all. Maybe we're not meant to be." Scully
pressed her lips together, almost as if she
was -- perhaps unconsciously -- wiping away
their kiss.

His face stopped trying to carry a light
expression and settled for grim and hopeless.
She looked the same.

What was he going to do? This wasn't the way
their long-practiced relationship was supposed
to work. He was supposed to charge ahead with
his crazy crusades! He was supposed to go to
the limit. Giving up wasn't supposed to be
part of his vocabulary. She'd even said
earlier that his tenacity had made her fall in
love with him. He knew she hadn't meant that
was the only trait of his that had attracted
her, but she'd said it because she really had
always admired his unstoppable ability to keep
going. After all, if he hadn't possessed that
singular drive, she would never have been
rescued from Antarctica. Hell, she was
supposed to bitch about what he did and even
threaten to leave, but she wasn't supposed to
actually go. She was supposed to acquiesce and
accept him for who he was. She was supposed to
stick with him through it all. If Scully
wasn't loyal beyond all expectations, then
what was she? Wasn't that one of her defining
characteristics just as his tenacity was one
of his? 

This was getting him nowhere. She was about to
climb into the driver's seat and leave him for
good. Think, he ordered himself fiercely. But
instead of thinking, he bought himself time by
embracing her again. Scully didn't resist. But
again, she did not reciprocate. He whispered
into her ear, "Father Joe told me something
else. He said I hoped I knew how lucky -- no,
I guess he said 'blessed' -- I was to have you
for a life's partner. He said a man who was as
loved by a woman as I was by you had heaven on
earth." He heard a choked sob from her. "I
told him I thought was the luckiest man on
earth to have had you by my side all these
years. He said, 'So, you're not going to let 
her go then, are you?' " 

For quite a spell neither spoke or moved. Then
he tipped her head up so he could meet her
eyes again. A tear made its way down her
cheek. It had a mate on his unshaven and
bruised face. "When I was in the mountains at
one point, I found myself alone in a snowy
vista. No lights except the celestial ones and
of course they were so much brighter than they
are in the city or even here above this
isolated property. It was magnificent, Scully.
very time I breathed I felt as though the
cosmos were breathing in with me. I felt
Something Greater Than Me mingling with me.
I'm sure Father Joe would say it was God. You
too, huh? Me, I'd call it The Truth --"

"Mulder --" She felt softer in his arms and
one of her arms now rested around his waist.

" -- It was a fantastic feeling."

"I'm sure it was. It's an incredible gift to
feel in tune with the universe. That's what
the mystics of all religions tell us too." She
studied him with her familiar big blue eyes
and reminded him, "God is said to be the Truth
in addition to being the Way and the Life,
Mulder. I believe in God. So, don't we believe
in the same thing after all?" She sighed.
Before he could respond, she guided the
conversation back to the crux of their
dilemma, "But what are you saying? That you've
found what you were looking for? Or that this
spiritual experience just makes you more
intent on continuing your search for What Is
 Out There?"

"I don't know." He feared that this admission
would make her contract again, make her harden
and withdraw again and want to go, so he
hurried on, "I don't know. But Scully, someday
I'm going to die. I honestly hope I'll go
before you do. Or maybe, if I couldn't have
that because it would hurt you too much, maybe
we would be granted, by Fate or God or the
Cosmos or Whatever, the privilege to go
together. Until the day I leave this mortal
coil, I have to be myself. You wouldn't
respect me or be my one in seven billion if I
wasn't. This last six years, I haven't been
myself fully. Not that I regret our life
together. Not at all. But I've had to live
under virtual house arrest, thanks to the
government's half-assed monkey trial. And now
that is over and I can do something productive
again. You've been a doctor while I've been
twiddling my thumbs. It's time for me to do something." 

Contrary to his fears, Scully was not pulling
away. She was listening intently. He didn't
stop, "But that doesn't mean I want to dive
back into chasing monsters like we did back in
the X-Files days, Scully. I'm older now. I
can't be running after perps or phantoms
endlessly. And honestly, my own supply of
endurance of pain and suffering is pretty
close to empty too. I think you are right that
everyone has a limit."

"What do you want to do then?" she asked
softly.

"Can I think about it?" He hesitated and
plunged ahead, "Can we think about it
together?" His eyes pleaded where his voice
was much more level.

Scully continued to search his eyes and he
didn't evade her. Then she nodded once. "Okay,
Mulder." She hugged him tightly and he
returned the favor with jubilant gusto. "Oh,
and Mulder?

"Uh huh?"

"Don't make me come and save you again anytime
soon. You try to get yourself killed again,
and I will kick your ass into the next
galaxy!" 

They were heading back to their unremarkable
house and he stopped for a second. "Deal. Same
goes for you, by the way." He held her face in
both hands and kissed her happily again. 

As they climbed up the stairs, he added, "Oh,
Scully?"

"Yeeess?"

"Next time we go to town, let's buy ourselves
new coats."

"What, you don't like my camel coat, Mulder?"

"Now that you mention it, Scully.."

The door shut the world out as they went
inside. 

_________________________

Note: This is my first story in quite a few
years. I finally have the incentive again. 

I watched the Flynet video a number of
times and finally could not wait until IWTB
came out to try to figure out what might be
happening. Since a few things about the movie
have come to light in the last week that bear
on this scene, I took advantage of what I
heard in writing this. The actual conversation
between M&S in the movie is assuredly not this
lengthy. Still, this is what I would like to see.

Naturally, comments would be very welcome.